Oh Maria!

Seriously. I don't know why I bother sometimes.

How many times must one say it? The people want romance, wicked women, epic battles, contraband, espionage and Russian politicians caught in flagrante delicto. What they don't want, I assure you, are sustainable dairy metaphors.

Dairy. Metaphors.

No one's gonna break Leonardo Gomes Pereira's record for most consecutive years as People Magazine's Sexiest Securities Regulator Alive by talking about Fat-free Milk--and that great market tip is For Free-e-e-e.

Not just any milk, please note, but the joyless, insipid version that splashes into your cereal bowl with the faintest tinge of blue just to remind you that this dietary event is going to do absolutely nothing to enhance your life experience.

*Sigh* I'm starting to believe the US Administration may be entirely beyond the reach of my instructional seminar "Financial Regulation and the Tabloid Press". Fortunately, the CFTC is flying solo on a brave mission to save Regulatory Twitterdom with lurid stories of the rich and infamous in Florida, a world of illicit gold trades and (one imagines) meth-addled alligators with diamante collars. And fraud. Do I need to add "alleged fraud"? Ha! You'll have to pry it from my cold, dead keyboard.

Now, over in the UK, the Financial Conduct Authority is getting with the programme by releasing a spanking new guidance consultation paper on nothing less than...cannabis stocks. Yas, Queen! Now, we're talking. See, SEC? That's how it's done. Baby, is that your girlfriend? I got my boyfriend but maybe we can be friends nah nah nah nah nah nah... That's the kind of Green that will get you a spread in TMZ next week.

Or not:

So, what's in this totally dope CP3 from FCAUK?

(*spoiler alert*)

The consultation, which closes on 12 August, focuses on a Technical Note that the FCA proposes to add to its knowledge base to help issuers with cannabis-related businesses interpret its listing rules. The eligibility requirements for such issuers preclude the listing of any businesses with a recreational element:

Possession and supply of cannabis for recreational purposes remain criminal offences in the UK. Proceeds from those activities, even where generated in jurisdictions where it is legal, are proceeds of crime under [the Proceeds of Crime Act]. We would therefore not admit the securities of a company with any recreational cannabis business, directly or indirectly, to the Official List

A UK company which is prima facie eligible will also need to demonstrate that it holds all required Home Office licences for distribution; and, if it is operating a CBD business, that its products do not contain any controlled substances. Companies which have a business that is wholly or partially located overseas will need to demonstrate that their activities are legal both in the UK and in every overseas jurisdiction in which they operate.

The short point the FCA wishes to underscore is that the Agency will be cautious about admitting cannabis-related businesses to the Official List:

Due to the legal risks..., we consider that additional due diligence is necessary for companies carrying on cannabis-related activities.

So, all-in-all, perhaps not as revolutionary or, indeed, titillating as Regulatory Twitterdom might wish. But it's a start and--as I think we can all agree-- it sure beats sustainable dairy metaphors.